Goooood Morning World!

Things have been mental. Insanely mental. Ever since I came back from New York, I've only had time for a 2.5 day cleanse, fondue, work, moving apartments, fondue...well I think you get the idea. I also went away to Budapest for a weekend, details of which shall soon be uploaded (I promise!).

As many of your know, I have currently moved to my new apartment. It's a tad smaller than the first one, but a lot more cozy and close to work. Bad news is that the new apartment currently looks like a bomb exploded there. Good news is that I now have ceiling lights, a semi functioning wardrobe, a fully functioning bookshelf, and of course, a fully stocked kitchen.

Move to the new place also meant that my stuff from New York had a place to come to, and arrived it did. The stuff also multiplied in boxes, I am sure of it. I don't remember having nearly as many books:



And when we counted the number of pairs of shoes I had, it came out to be over 40. This was clearly not my fault. I have an addiction issue. I'm on a drug - it's called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

And with all the Tiger blood that I have running through my viens, I have no choice but to buy as many shoes as I can - it's in my Adonis DNA! People can't figure me out, they can't process me, I don't expect them to. You can't process me with the normal brain. People can't figure me out, they can't process me, and I don't expect them to. You can't process me with the normal brain. If all this makes no sense to you, just read up on it, and you will be enlightened.

Believe in magic!

Credit Card companies do, so why shouldn't you? Confused? Let me explain:

Once upon a time, a lifetime ago really, I had a credit card with a company - let's just call them ABC. Being Indian, I'm genetically inclined to never have any balance to carry forward on my card, and always pay my monthly balance in full. Ever since I moved to Zurich, I've only used one credit card from the US, and that too mostly for bigger purchases. Just for fun, I was checking my online statements for all my cards last night. That's right - some people watch TV for fun. Me, I check all my dormant credit cards' balances online.

To my shock and horror, I discovered that one of my cards had a past due bill for interest payment to the tune of $330. Which would have been fine, if not for one teeny tiny little fact: the balance on the card was $0. That's correct, I was charged interest that's equivalent to 1/3rd of a Gucci bag on a $0 balance.

Once I was over my shock and awe at this ridiculousness, I called their customer service number, where an obviously Indian girl introduced herself as "Patricia". I felt like telling her, "Honey, if you are Patricia, then I am Ms. Universe, and we ALL know that that's not true!" But I indulged her by letting her think that I totally thought she was indeed Patricia. She asked me to explain the issue to her. Of course, she couldn't really do anything so I got passed around to three other people. By this time, my rage issues had started to make a grand return. I closed my eyes and imagined hundreds of cupcakes waiting for me, which helped calm me down. Sadly, only food-related thoughts can help me relax now. This situation has now become dire. Anyway, I finally spoke with someone who had superpowers and could help me with my situation! This person said that he could indeed see this $330 interest past due on my statement, but couldn't figure out where it came from! I guess it just "magically" appeared!

After a bit of head scratching by both of us, he agreed to waive the balance, which was good because it had no basis to exist in the first place. I was thoroughly disgusted by all of this, and once he helpfully waived the interest on a non-existent balance, I proceeded to close my account with ABC Bank. This taught me an important lesson - magic is not limited to Disney alone...even credit card companies believe in it! Now I'm going to go play with my Harry Potter magic wand and see if I can conjure up some spells...anything is possible at this point!

Back in Zurich

Two illnesses, a dozen pair of shoes, and a bagful of clothes later, I'm back in Zurich! Work has been busy, and I'm already planning my Paris trip!

We had our first real snow today, and to say that this place is beautiful is an understatement. I feel like I'm in paradise, surrounded by white mountains and Christmas lights that are shining bright. I walked around a bit today after work and took some pictures of the Christmas Tree at Paradeplatz (the main square), and hope to take some more tomorrow during the day. I hope to be able to share some tomorrow.

In the meantime, here's something to keep you entertained. Apparently I wrote this poem about two years ago, when I was single, fat, and I had drowned my third plant by over-watering it, and when I was feeling fat:

Plants are drowning
ass is expanding
Oh brother when will I stop pretending

That my life is sweet
Even though my butt is falling off the seat

On Friday I go to bed at midnight
And dream of Tom and Jerry wishing me goodnight

There is no man who I want to hug
So I end up drinking coffee in a mug

And then on Saturday I go around hopping
because I have found the greatest cure of all - shopping!

You may go ahead and call me pathetic now. You are allowed. Das ist alles.

No matter how dumb I am...

and I
can
be
pretty
dumb,
I will never be dumb enough to pull this. Amen.

To smell or not to smell

Summer is a beautiful season. It brings out flowers and the green and fun skirts and dresses, and...some men who don't use deodorant and wear wife-beaters. This is not only an assault to the eyes but also to the olfactory. This assault is exacerbated when you're on a tram, and you begin to dread the moment someone lifts their arms up to hold on to the railing. You pray to every god, wishing and hoping that they wore deodorant. Sometimes god obliges, sometimes he doesn't. When he doesn't, you feel like you are doomed to a lifetime of disappointment.

I went through such an experience just last week. I was on the tram, on my way back from work. Halfway through the ride, there was a strange stench that filled the tram. My nostrils lodged a protest and immediately shut down. My quest to find the source of the stench brought me to to a wannabe-rockstar-but-couldn't-ever-be-one guy wearing a wife-beater and sporting a wonderful beer belly, lifting his arms up to hold on to the railing. I doubt he knew the devastating impact such an act would have on society as a whole. You could almost see the fumes emanating from under his arms. This is disgusting, I know, but if I get to live through it, you get to read about it.

The entire tram must have felt the waves of stench, and it ended up being each man for himself, because I kid you not, we ended up losing people at every tram stop. Within three stops, almost everyone was off the tram, with the look of fear on their faces, and tears in their eyes. I stuck around for one more stop, but then abandoned ship and leaped out of the tram before the doors closed. There was no time to warn unsuspecting on-boarders of what awaited them inside the tram. I just hope they made it out okay. Maybe one day we'll run into each other and reminisce about this shared torture that we went through. But for now, I'm armed with Febfreeze and am ready to launch my counterattack on any tram at a moment's notice. "They may take our lives, but they will NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!!!"

A Cage of my own

Honestly, I don't know how I've lived all these years without having such a wonderfully perfect cage as a part of my wardrobe:



For centuries, scientists have tried to find a way to contain me while out and about in public, without much success. It took Valentino and his Fall Haute Couture 2010 collection to come up with a solution! This dress will save others from accidents caused by my arm flailing, will alert everyone else to my presence, thus allowing them to stay as far away as possible from me, and most importantly, will allow me to truly appreciate the song, "I want to Break Free". I just hope the cage opens during meal times. I can suddenly see PETA's "No Cages" campaign in a whole new light...