Goooood Morning World!

Things have been mental. Insanely mental. Ever since I came back from New York, I've only had time for a 2.5 day cleanse, fondue, work, moving apartments, fondue...well I think you get the idea. I also went away to Budapest for a weekend, details of which shall soon be uploaded (I promise!).

As many of your know, I have currently moved to my new apartment. It's a tad smaller than the first one, but a lot more cozy and close to work. Bad news is that the new apartment currently looks like a bomb exploded there. Good news is that I now have ceiling lights, a semi functioning wardrobe, a fully functioning bookshelf, and of course, a fully stocked kitchen.

Move to the new place also meant that my stuff from New York had a place to come to, and arrived it did. The stuff also multiplied in boxes, I am sure of it. I don't remember having nearly as many books:



And when we counted the number of pairs of shoes I had, it came out to be over 40. This was clearly not my fault. I have an addiction issue. I'm on a drug - it's called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.

And with all the Tiger blood that I have running through my viens, I have no choice but to buy as many shoes as I can - it's in my Adonis DNA! People can't figure me out, they can't process me, I don't expect them to. You can't process me with the normal brain. People can't figure me out, they can't process me, and I don't expect them to. You can't process me with the normal brain. If all this makes no sense to you, just read up on it, and you will be enlightened.

Less than 12 hours to go

before I fly out to New York. Any normal person would be busy packing at this point in time. But me? I'm looking up vacation spots in Europe, reading about quantum entanglement (don't even get me started on that), listening to Lady Antebellum, and making a list of all the restaurants I want to hit while I'm in town. Oh and I'm also fantasizing about the day when I'll have Charlize Theron's physique so I can parade around at the beach in a swimsuit. All this, while having some ice-cream, of course. I need help. Or more dessert. Or something.

Back in Zurich

Two illnesses, a dozen pair of shoes, and a bagful of clothes later, I'm back in Zurich! Work has been busy, and I'm already planning my Paris trip!

We had our first real snow today, and to say that this place is beautiful is an understatement. I feel like I'm in paradise, surrounded by white mountains and Christmas lights that are shining bright. I walked around a bit today after work and took some pictures of the Christmas Tree at Paradeplatz (the main square), and hope to take some more tomorrow during the day. I hope to be able to share some tomorrow.

In the meantime, here's something to keep you entertained. Apparently I wrote this poem about two years ago, when I was single, fat, and I had drowned my third plant by over-watering it, and when I was feeling fat:

Plants are drowning
ass is expanding
Oh brother when will I stop pretending

That my life is sweet
Even though my butt is falling off the seat

On Friday I go to bed at midnight
And dream of Tom and Jerry wishing me goodnight

There is no man who I want to hug
So I end up drinking coffee in a mug

And then on Saturday I go around hopping
because I have found the greatest cure of all - shopping!

You may go ahead and call me pathetic now. You are allowed. Das ist alles.

Greetings from a land far, far away!

Greetings earthlings! As most of you know, I'm currently on vacation in Mumbai, India. I grew up here until I was about seventeen, which is when I moved to the U.S. for my undergrad and since then have come back once every two years or so. Everytime I come back, I'm struck by just how fast the city is changing. It feels like I'm visiting a different city every time. The infrastructure, the stores, the fashion is much more different now than it was a decade ago; everything is more "western" and "hip" now. But, there are still many things that have stayed the same, and I suspect will continue to stay the same for generations. Here's a quick recap of things that haven't changed since I moved back - this is how every visit of mine has been for the last ten years!

So yesterday I woke up super early, because by 8am, the doorbell had rung at least five times, and the phone at least three. The hardest was when no one would answer the home phone because everyone was busy talking on their own cell phones - then it would keep ringing incessantly! Finally I just gave up and stormed out of my room and foolishly thought that trying to fall asleep in my parents' bedroom, since they were already up, would help with the situation. But oh how wrong was I! It just got worse in their room, because the sound of the doorbell is the loudest in there! Eventually, I had to give in to the powers of the universe and just wake up. I brushed my teeth and walked into the dining area, where my mom promptly started shoving food in front of my face. For a second I thought I was still dreaming, but as soon as I realized that this, in fact, would be my new reality for the next couple of weeks, I was in love. Before 10am, I had eaten a sandwich, some fruit, juice, and cookies. At around noon, I went to visit my grandma and granddad, who live down the road from us.

As soon as I got to theirs, the first thing everyone did was yell at me for "losing too much weight". I'm convinced that this weight loss thing is a figment of their imagination - I mean we've all seen how I eat. It would be physically and metamorphically impossible for me to have lost weight with all that food consumption! Sidebar: One thing you need to know about Indian families - they consider it their right and responsibility to comment on your weight and your looks. It's like they can't go to bed at night without sharing their observations on your appearance, and any sarcastic comments about it will just bounce off them. And this isn't just your immediate family - your friends, neighbors, their friends, their neighbors, everyone has this unstoppable and compulsive urge to tell you how they think you look. My freshmen year I gained the freshmen 30, and as a result I came back as an inflatable device. Everyone, and by everyone I mean everyone that I met - my neighbors, friends, family, extended family - felt compelled to point out to me that I had turned into a flotation device. I tried sarcasm and told them, "oh really? I had no idea that I got fat - that's not what MY mirror told me!" But this just bounced off them and they took that seriously! So after a while I just gave up and would nod my head anytime we talked about my fatness :-P

Anyway, when I got to grandma's, due to her neurosis that made her think I was too skinny, I was promptly fed Indian sweets and snacks. It was good to see her and my granddad (my cousin and my aunt were also home), but both GM and GD aren't feeling too good, so I hope they get better! Another sidebar: Something else you need to know about living in India - your life here revolves around that of the maid's. Maids are very hard to come by, so once you actually find one, you do your best to make the world a happy place for her. You feed her, care for her, make sure she's satisfied, and of course, pay her. You wouldn't dare criticize her, even if she does a sucky job, for fear of abandonment.

We have two people who we employ: A guy called Rakesh who sweeps and mops all the floors in the house, dusts, and cleans the bathrooms. However, the "main" maid, Pinky, is far too important for such menial tasks. She does do the dishes, but most importantly, she hangs the washing, folds and puts it away, chops all the veggies, runs errands for my mom, and puts everything away to its rightful place in the house. I have lost track of how many times in the past I had called my mom to chat, only to have her tell me that she couldn't talk to me because "Pinky was here." My mom would turn into a walking zombie without her, I'm sure of it. The reason I tell you all this is because when I was at my grandma's place, I received a frantic call from my mom demanding that my brother and I head back aSAP, because, "PINKY IS HERE TO DO THE DISHES!" We hadn't had our lunch yet, so we had to rush back to eat, just so we could give those dishes to rinse to Pinky as well. So, we ate as fast as we could for dear old Pinky.

We then hired a rickshaw, and took it to go meet up with my dad close to his office. I hate taking rickshaw's anywhere, they are loud, and they don't have doors so all the dust gets in your face, but most importantly, riding in them messes up my hair because of the dust and the wind. They are really easy to come by; however, so it's much easier to hire one of those than wait around for a cab, especially in the part of the city that we live in. We met up with my dad, who drove us to this new mall that opened up downtown, and we shopped around for a couple of hours, before heading out to dinner. The clothes and the fashion for non-work clothes that you get here is pretty similar to what I would get in the US; in fact, many of the clothes that I end up buying in the US are actually made in India. I bought a cute ruffled tier skirt, a black and white printed sheath dress, and a long top that can masquerade as a dress if I wanted it to. If you're a guy reading this, then I know the outfits description means nothing to you, so just nod and pretend that you understand what I mean :-P

Today is Diwali, which is our "Christmas," so the plan is to go to a really nice place for dinner with the extended family. I hope to be back sometime next week to fill you in on more details about the trip, and also to share with you the number of lunches and dinners I've had. The tally so far: 6 lunches and 4 dinners in 3 days. Let's see if we can top this next week!

How a boy named Jon ruined my life

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a wonderful family was blessed with a beautiful baby boy. The parents named this seemingly lovely boy Jon. However, unbeknownst to them, Jon was, in fact, evil incarnate. On the outside, his cherubic appearance with his messy hair and HarryPotteresque glasses made people warm up to him really quickly. His typical British sense of humor, often dry and quirky, made him a darling of the masses. He quickly developed a following and dubbed all his followers as members of the "Jon cult". But, no one knew of the evil that resided in him. His true colors were not to be releaved until a little later in life, when he moved to a beautiful city called Zurich.

Halfway across the universe, in a city called New York, lived a lovely girl called Jigz. She was described by her friends as entertaining, full of life, and fun.However, she was also hiding a deep, dark secret. A terrible secret that almost no one knew about. She was a recovering addict. Jigz was addicted to the game "Bejeweled" on her cellphone. It was a serious, debilitating condition that had a profound impact on all aspects of her life. While riding buses and subways in New York, she wouldn't even look up from her phone to acknowledge other fellow human beings. Numerous times, she found herself missing her bus stop or her subway stop because she was so focused on her game. In a little over two years, she had played over two thousand five hundred games on her phone.

One day, when she found herself reaching for her phone at two am on a Tuesday night, she knew that she had a problem. Not one to dwell on a problem without finding a solution for it, Jigz immediately started talking to people about it and sought help. The first thing she did was to hide Bejeweled from the Menu display on her phone. "If you can't see it, it can't tempt you," is what she would say. After a lot of soul searching, she realized that the only way she could get completely cured of her addiction was by moving to a new country, even a new continent. She needed to get away from all that was familiar, and move to the new. After a long wait, Jigz finally moved to Zurich. And that's where she met Jon.

Jon, who finally saw the perfect prey, a woman with addiction issues, immediately pretended to be nice, warm, and friendly. Pretty soon, Jon and Jigz became good friends. Trusting him, Jigz confessed to him about her past addiction issues. Jon, playing the sympathy card, pretended to care, and promised to help her, should she ever relapse. What he didn't mention to her was that he would be the catalyst in causing such a relapse. Such was her trust for him that Jigz even showed him exactly where she hid the game "Bejeweled" on her phone. Jon leaped at this opportunity. One day, when a group of people were out for dinner, Jon took Jigz's phone, and started played Bejeweled on it. In front of Jigz. Not only was she horrified at such a blatant display of breach of trust, her dormant addiction was now awake and kicking again. Jon, being the true evil that he is, then saved the game on her main Menu. Everytime she would reach for her phone, the game would now be in front of her eyes. Daring her. Taunting her. Enticing her.

Jigz tried to resist as long as she could, but she is human, after all. She finally succumbed. Now, before even brushing her teeth in the morning, Jigz has to play a game. Before going to bed, she has to play a game. While waiting for a tram, while ordering food, even while doing yoga! She now looks like a deranged lunatic who is unfit for society. All because of a boy called Jon. But will good ultimately triumph over evil? Can Jigz get over her addiction once again? Is she strong enough to stop Jon from destroying another life? Or will Jon take over the entire world and ruin everyone's lives? Come back here to find out what happens next!

Ramblings of a hungry mind

I accidentally ended up eating two dinners, and as a result, I had to stay in the horizontal position for a good hour. But as soon as I got vertical, hunger for dessert beaconed, and I ended up having a big piece of leftover Swiss roll for dessert. Result: I am now back in the horizontal position.

Today's post was supposed to be about our visit to Montreux, but I realized that I hadn't shared an STIDT in a while, so I figured it was time for one. Today, while sitting by my desk at work, in a span of 3 seconds, I dropped my ID, and when I bent to pick it up, my glasses fell off my face, and when I bent down to pick them, up my handbag fell on top of me. Yes, all this happened sequentially and yet almost simultaneously. But, as usual, none of this was my fault. The culprit, in this case, was the stupendously delicious chocolate muffin that I had earlier in the afternoon. Gooey and chocolaty on the inside, soft and welcoming on the outside, it was a forkful of perfection. This decadent, sinful delight has changed me forever. I am a born-again optimist. I am now convinced that nothing can be as bad as it seems, as long as you have a muffin in your life.

I would have taken a picture, but before I could even take in my first deep breath, muffin was demolished. Nothing was left. I was literally scraping the bottom of the paper to get every tiny little piece that I could. But it was worth it. I'm pretty sure that last bit of muffin was what gave me the epiphany that changed my life forever. Now if I could only get my hands on another one of those tomorrow, I will be able to achieve Nirvana. Moksha. Whatever you want to call it. I'm just one chocolate stuffed chocolate muffin away from it. Here's hoping that the powers that be that control the muffin supply are paying attention to this!

Things I don't miss about New York

Along the heels of the Top Five things I miss about New York, I had compiled a list of a few things that I didn't miss about the Big Apple. But after reading my blog, and then reading this article, another friend of mine, who also moved from New York to Zurich, went a little bit crazy and compiled a list of 32 things that he hated about New York. His list was so hilarious that I decided to post a few items from it, with permission, of course:

- Grand Central Terminus

- Taking NJ Transit

- People always wanting to go to a specific place

- People lying all the time by saying, "Queens is not SO bad after all"

- People exaggerating the size of their apartments

- People not admitting that a rat in the house is ACTUALLY disgusting

- People always demanding that YOU do something fun on the weekend, because if you dont, like OMG, like you are such a loser! What do you mean you will cook and read???WTF!

- Every one pretending to be making 'six figures' or more, even when they are barely scraping by

- Plainsboro NJ (or anywhere with no hot dog vendors and traffic, sirens and smoke) being considered quaint

- Anyone (which is mostly everyone) who walks around the city with their eyebrows perpetually in a raised position

- People running to catch subway trains, knowing there's another one coming

- Guys standing around swiping subway cards for no reason

- Women yelling at their kids to 'shut the f#$k up'

You may not agree whole heartedly with everything on it, but you must admit, it does make for an interesting read!

Facebook "Like" of the week

"Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out...but I can usually shut the bitch up with cookies."

This week is killing me, but I'm hoping to be slightly less dead on Sunday and finally blog about Paris. Right now, my knee pain is back, my tooth hurts, and I'm googling "how to make your ear pop" because my left ear has been blocked since Monday. Now you understand why I had to finish a pint of ice cream this week? Hope you're all having a better week than I am!

My current obsession

I can't stop listening to this song - it's on auto-repeat on my Ipod:



I think I may secretly be in love with Audrey Tautou. Or maybe in love with just her hair and her face and her skinniness...

Deep thoughts

Who is LeBron James and why do I care if he is moving to some other city to be paid millions of dollars for dunking a ball? Anyone who says, "I've done some great things in my seven years and I want to continue doing them" deserves to be slapped.

On its way

Things have been super busy lately, which is why I haven't had the time to post anything at all. Things that I'd like to talk about are ZuriFascht, tram encounters with old German grandmothers, German phone calls, and food, of course. I promise to be back over the weekend and post details on all of the above.

In the meantime, I leave you with a couple of IMs that my brother has sent me over the last few months. This will help you understand the depth of my trauma and could even provide a deeper understanding in identifying the cause of my madness:

---------------------------
Bro: Hmm. You are plump.
Me: Where?! In what pictures!?
Bro: In general. It's a fact of life that cannot be ignored.

---------------------------
Bro: Hmm. WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO FOR ASCENSION?
Me: I said I will research and let you know by monday evening
Bro: You don't research. You eat cheese and get fat. Hence the question remains.
---------------------------
Bro: (in lieu of hello) FAT.
Me:...at least I'm not balding.
Bro: Bald is in. Fat is not.
---------------------------

There are many more, but for now, these will have to do. Rejoice in my embarrassment, you know you want to :-P

Family Time

Half of my family (that is my mom and my dad) are technologically challenged. This has been a chronic illness that they never really could get rid of. But, they are trying. My mom started using email and Word documents in the recent past - and my brother and I would get emails on a daily basis on how to save, how to delete, how to bring back the deleted copy, etc. The most recurring theme with emails was, "I wrote an email but Microsoft ate it so now I can't write another email bye."

My mom doesn't believe in punctuation when it comes to emails. According to her, it "gets in the way of the typing." Thanks to my nineteen year old cousin that she is BFF with, she recently discovered Facebook. I accidentally accepted her friend request(the technical challenges sometime trickle down to the next generation too), but she tried for a long time to get my brother to accept her as a friend without much luck. Finally, to stop the asking, he just went ahead and accepted her. She was ecstatic. As we all know, you aren't really a family until Facebook says so. Anyway, below is the email that she sent me to express her joy at my brother adding her on "face book":

jigu (me) dikshu(my brother) accepted me as a friend ,philosopher and guide --its amazing ---i mean on face book-- so now we can hang out in face book what are you doing



your loving ,caring and sharing mom

Now are we convinced that my insanity is hereditary?

Back from Madrid...

...but barely. The French air traffic controllers went on strike over the weekend because they were still upset about the last World Cup. As a result, all flights in Europe were delayed and didn't get back until well past midnight. And because I refuse to give in to peer pressure and behave like a normal person, I was up until 2am, finishing this wonderful book. So today I'm groggy, annoyed, internally fat from all the Tapas-eating that I indulged in, and only a quarter of my way through editing and fine-tuning the gazillion pictures I took. Since most of the pictures weren't of monuments or whatever but of all the different food we ate there, just looking at them is making me hungry, even though I'm back on my normal schedule of two dinners now.

I hope to be back later in the week with the first of several details about the trip, and with a few pictures that don't involve food. Also on a completely unrelated but still very important note, I can now give directions to people in German. But I still get confused between left, right, and straight, so I'm not sure I should be practicing this particular set of dialog on any unsuspecting tourists anytime soon...

And now there's proof...

We all know how much I love food. Th love I feel is innocent and pure and unconditional. Just the other day, at a friend's birthday party dinner, everyone was making conversation while having dinner. But not me. I'm very committed to my one true love, so for the first twenty minutes, I was absolutely quiet and focused all my energy and dedication on the food. Only when I heard silence did I look up to realize that everyone at the table had stopped talking and were just watching me eat. But I don't let little things like being in public keep me apart from my true love. So even as everyone was staring at me with their mouths hanging open, I got up to take my thrid serving, acting as if nothing was wrong.

But, something tragic has now happened. My love of food, until now a public but undocumented matter, has now been caught on film! What was until now a private matter is now available for the whole world to see. Allow me to explain what happened: a few months ago, a couple of coworkers took me out to Ilili, a Mediterranean restaurant in New York, for my farewell lunch. We saw a film crew at the location but didn't really catch them filming anything, so just assumed that they were still setting the shoot up as we were having lunch. Little did I know that not only was the camera on, it was ON us. And it captured me inhaling the falafel like it was going out of business. Hey, I was hungry. So now anyone who takes a cab in NYC can watch this ad on Taxi TV:

Ilili commercial



The woman you see attacking the falafel at the 0:57 mark is yours truly. You can see how the purity of my love is tarnished by such imagery. This video makes me look like a glutton, instead of making me look like a food lover that I am. On the other hand, this video just adds to my up and coming movie career. If nothing, I can definitely play the role of Hungry Patron#3 in the next Spielberg movie. If this video doesn't get me my own trailer, I don't know what will.

Things that have happened this week

Average number of meals consumed per day: 6

Number of times I tripped or fell wearing my heels at work: 5

Number of times I tripped or well at the same spot, by the same coworker's desk: 5

Number of people who think I don't know how to walk: 1 x 5

Number of times a day I alternated between crying over the weather and wanting to punch a cloud: 124563

Average number of dreams I had about Viniero's strawberry shortcake: 234

Number of weeks I am behind my TV shows: 2 or 3 for all shows except Lost

Number of hours I cried because of the tragic happenings on this week's Lost: 3

And finally...

Number of husbands I dreamed about having, sequentially, of course: 3 - Hugh Jackman, Robert Downey Jr, and Sawyer from Lost.

That's it for now, be back on Monday!

The burden of Celebrity

One of the things that our organization does is something called "Spotlight", where a different employee every month is asked about their background, current job description, their career aspirations, etc, and these are then shared on the company's internal website for everyone within the firm. This month, I was asked if I wanted to be in the Spotlight. Fame, my dears, is addictive. After my claim to fame earlier this month, I was hooked. I readily agreed. So, I signed myself up to do yet another interview to promote my line of business.

I was told that this time, we actually reserved a studio in which Matt Damon filmed The Bourne Ultimatum. Actually, it was a small office with a camera, but I like my version better. I requested for a Black Limo with champagne. I ended up taking a tram there with my agent/producer AB. The makeup man was running late, so I had to do my own makeup. In the tram. You can understand how traumatic this is for a budding starlet like me. I also didn't get my gold door knob'd trailer, even though I explicitly asked for one earlier in the week. And who knew ostrich were endangered and hence their feathers couldn't be used to provide me with ostrich feathered hand towels? I threw a fit and they calmed me down with bottled water. It wasn't even rose flavored. The scenes that ensued were quite ugly. My agent finally distracted me with chocolate and I agreed to do the interview.

I can now say that I have inside information on why actors need to wear so much makeup: the big huge spot lights are really hot and melt a lot of the makeup. We were waiting for the camera guy to lower the camera as we decided to conduct the interview sitting down. I had requested for a leather couch, but got a plastic chair instead. I've made it very clear that I'm never doing another interview until my basic demands of a trailer and leather couch are met. As we sat to do the interview, I asked the cameraman if the camera really does add ten pounds. I was now regretting having that Movenpick as my second dinner. Thankfully, I was wearing a black jacket. Any self respecting woman knows that black is a slimming color. Unfortunately, I don't think it's going to be very useful in hiding the fatness on my face.

The interview itself was fairly quick - just a few Q and A. Since I have so much natural talent, the entire shot was filmed in just one take. I'm glad this was a video interview because this way my words can't be taken out of context. The last thing I have time for is to issue denials about things I may or may not have said about people I may or may not like. We wrapped everything up in about 20 minutes and headed back. In a tram. I was very late for my next photo shoot. Still no trailer. I'm going to talk to my Union rep about this.

The interview I did tonight is really my audition tape for my soon-to-be-launched movie career. I’m currently looking for a manager and an assistant. Please speak with my agent about required qualifications. My PR person arrives next week, so we're all set there. In the mean time, debate: What's a good color on me for the Red Carpet - Black, or Pink?

P.S: I'm off to Germany tomorrow afternoon to visit my dearest friend Inga, whom I have not seen in almost nine years! In that time, she married a sweetheart of a guy and had a baby, whereas I resorted to eating two lunches a day. So we have a lot to catch up on. Come back on Monday to hear all about my visit to Nurenberg!

Ramblings of an empty mind

Okay kids, time for a Pop quiz. Why is today the most important day in the week for me? Anyone? Hint: It was the day I found Paradise. That's right, today is "Good wants me to eat" day of the week. I went back to the Market today to buy some cheese for my Germany trip this weekend. This time, I was smart. I only sampled food at half the booths, so I had plenty of room to eat Samosas and make this nice yogurt dip thing for dinner. Since I have now resorted to having two lunches a day, and the expansion of my fat is now happening at an exponential rate, I am quite proud of the restraint that I exercised at the booth.

I need to go to the doctor because I have a hearing disorder. My coworker told me, "today is the warmest day, I hope you get to go outside and enjoy it." I heard, "today is WOMAN'S DAY, I hope you get to go outside and enjoy." The smartass that I am, I replied, "Oh, everyday is Woman's Day!!" Fortunately, he is now getting used to my insanity, so just repeated what he said a second ago, and this time I understood him. I think even I have given up on myself - there is no hope left for me anymore. One day, studies will be done on my insanity and journals will be written on it. For now though, those around me have no choice but to endure it.

Tomorrow, I promise to blog about my video interview that I did for an internal portal within the company. I've just been so busy trying to figure out what to wear on the Red Carpet that I haven't had the chance to actually write it up. Okay, have to go for now - my stylist is calling!

Homage to Food

Why am I always in the mood
To keep eating more and more food?

For dinner I made a salad
While singing a depressing ballad

I even had some bread
To stop the voices from complaining in my head

However, a salad can never make me full
Indeed, this is not a new rule

I have always been a lover of food
For in it lies so much good

World peace can be bought with cake
While singing agreements, World Leaders can learn how to bake

Coming back to dinner
I tried to eat something that would make me leaner

But hunger levels were still on the rise
None of this, my mind could surmise

The stomach was still oh-so-mad
So when I fed it ice-cream, boy was it glad

It's important to make the stomach happy
Otherwise life can be well and truly crappy

It's now time to say good night
Dreaming of Hugh, I hope to be out like a light!