Jack and Jill went up the Hill - Part 1

Before I begin, I just have to say one thing: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD! Okay, now I'm ready.

When I decided to move to Zurich from New York, one of the promises that I had made to myself was to be more active outdoors. I resolved to go hiking once a week and bike riding at least 2-3 times a week. So, with that in mind, I foolishly agreed to what was advertized as an "easy" hike. Now, I don't know about you, but when I think of hikes, I usually think of long walks with maybe a few inclines and small hills. The word "mountain" is never a part of any of my hiking definition, let alone the phrase "top of the mountain". But, back then, I was young and naive. Today, I'm in pain and wise. So let's talk about how I came about my wisdom in 24 hours.

I met up with my coworker JL at the Main Train Station at about 10:30 in the morning on Sunday. I was there way earlier to try and buy tickets for Paris in two weeks, but my endeavor was unsuccessful, so I ate some chocolate for therapeutic purposes. We took a train to Pfaffikon, which is about a 40 minute train ride out of Zurich, where we got off to begin our "hike". JL had the map so I just blindly followed him wherever he led. We initially passed a farm and were greeted with smells of cow dung and slowly made our way to the top. Now, there's one thing you need to know about me: I have no idea what meters, feet, yards, or any such measurement units mean. All I know is that in all of these units I'm still going to be short. So when I was told that there was a 890meter climb that we had to do, all I knew was that the number 890 sounded big. Little did I know just how big it actually would be.

But before I talk about the actual hike, here are a few things to keep in mind when you go hiking:

1) Always carry a hair tie with you. Always. Men, if you have a girlfriend, buy some hair ties. You never know when she'll find herself in overwhelming need of one. If you don't have a girlfriend, giving one to a long haired woman who looks like she has come straight out of a horror movie because of the condition of her hair will instantly help you get a girlfriend.

2) Don't worry about blow-drying your hair in the morning, it's a lost cause. Just trust me on this one.

3) Always carry a hat, unless you want your face to be multishaded due to a ridiculous sunglasses tan like the one I am currently sporting.

4) This is the most important one: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT dress up in an all black ensemble, a la Angelina Jolie, on a hot summer day. Black may be slimming, but when hiking on a hot day, it's can also be killing. Me, I decided I wanted to be like Lara Croft and wear all black. Unlike Lara Croft, I am not in shape, and dressing like her won't make me so - a realization that's part of the wisdom I talked about earlier.

So after passing the smelly cows, we began our hike. First hiked up this small slope:



And took our first break here:



45 minutes into the hike, I foolishly believed that we had reached the top. So imagine my shock and horror when I was informed by JL that we had another TWO hours of uphill hiking to do. I vehemently protested and threatened to walk back down, but since I had neither a map nor the knowledge of how to get back down, I had no choice but to follow him. So, up we went:



And we kept going higher:



And higher:



At this point, we had alreadyclimbed about 400 steps. No, this is not an exaggeration, we really did climb 400. Each step reminded me of my fatness in ways I never thought was possible. I saw no end in sight and silently begged for forgiveness from the Almighty for all the gluttony that I had indulged in during my lifetime. I was convinced my meeting with the Maker was now imminent. I made a list of all the things that I still wanted to do, and all the food that I still wanted to eat. Despondent and defeated, I continued hiking up, because I didnt know any other way to go. JL, who clearly doesn't share my definition of "an easy hike" had already made it to the top. Miraculously, and after various fights with gravity, so did I! We were at the top of Etzel, which is about 1100 meters high.

After I hugged every single tree that was up top, I suddenly realized that my starvation levels were out of control. Fortunately, there was a restaurant at the top. I wanted to order everything off the menu, but since I'm a vegetarian, the only thing I could eat was either the Rosti or a salad. And I'll be damned if I was going to even look at a salad after nearly facing my own death. So I went up to the counter to place my order. The woman didn't speak English and I don't speak German. She kept repeating something in German, and I kept informing her of my inability to understand her. Somehow, I managed to order the Rosti. JL told me that we were going downhill now. Since I knew the importance of downhill, I was super excited. I took a couple of pictures at the top, just for you, before we headed down:



Here I am in my Lara Croft outfit, without the headband or the hat, developing the multishaded skin color that I am now sporting:



The panoramic view from the mountaintop was absolutely phenomenal. Pictures can't really do justice to the sights of the lake, pastures, and the Alps, all in one scenic setting. Even though I died nearly a thousand deaths to get to the top, I was glad I did.

Tomorrow - The Story of Downhill: How we made it down (or did we?). Don't miss the riveting conclusion to this adrenaline filled and thrilling hiking story. A story of Man v/s Nature. Of Hope v/s Despair. Of Road Signs v/s the Truth. It all ends tomorrow, right here on this blog. Here's a teaser for what's to come next:



Until then, Good Night, and Good Luck.